Day #14: Pets: Maybe When I'm a Big Girl.

I always thought I'd have a dog by 30.


Now, all you cat-lovers out there are probably thinking to yourself: Why a dog? Why not a cat?



Let's just nip this in the bud right now: Cats are weird. They're weird because they're smart. Its alarming. I go into a cat-owner's home, and that cat knows I'm freaked out by its presence. The cat's like: Look at this tall, goofy-looking one. I'm gonna screw with this human. And it rubs its creepy little paws together and cackles.



The cat skulks around me, knowing that if it rubs agains my leg and looks cute and furry, I'll eventually want to pet it -- which I do, because I'm a sucker -- and then...



Whap!



I'm bleeding.



And the cat cackles and skulks away, planning its next assult on the stoopid human.



So cats are out.



But dogs, I love dogs. I love all dogs. Dogs are dumb, and that's wonderful. Dogs just sit around and wait for you to get up, and then they fly around your place with their tongue out thinking:



What are we doing? Huh? Huh? We doing something? Food. Is something happening? Huh? Huh? Squirell.



Its great. That's all the thinking I want my animal to do. I'd actually prefer if my animal were also as lazy as I am, which is why I have had an imaginary pet for about 10 years.



Meet Chunk:


Chunk does not actually exist. Well, I mean, this dog obviously does, but this dog is not Chunk. I don't know whose dog this is because I stole this photo off the internet (copyright infringement lawsuit probably pending).


However, if/when I do get a dog, it will be an English Bulldog and his name will be Chunk.


(And so-help-me if you steal my dog name, I will wage war and steal your first born child's name for my own. I don't even care if you have a boy named Virgil and I bear a daughter. Its on.)


"Why don't you go out and get yourself a Chunk?" You ask. "If you have been dreaming of this dog for 10 years, why don't you just find a Chunkster and make him your own?"

Friends, there is a perfectly good reason why I don't have Chunkifer yet. Its because Chunktastic costs as much as a mortgage payment and I'm not really in a financial position to be paying for the snobby craft beer I drink, let alone vet bills.

And I feel like Doggie-Lay-Away is a tinge silly and a bit beside-the-point.

Furthermore, I had a little chat with my houseplants, and they expressed some fear for their lives. You would too if you were my houseplant (thank god you're not) because I have killed at least 3 rubber-tree plants and 4 cacti. Yes, I killed, not one, but multiple cactus.

I walk through my living room, see my drooping, browning, sad plants -- hear them call to me, in their parched voices -- Beth... please... water...

And I'm like, Um, is Top Chef on?

I bring those houseplants back from the brink of death regularly. I tell myself I'm training them. Teaching them who's boss. Toughening them up. Letting them know who's in charge here. I say to them: "You want water, Houseplant? Earn it."

Which they obviously can't do -- hence their demise.


So its a rough life, being my houseplant, which makes me wonder if I'm really responsible enough for a dog.

My imaginary dog, Chunk-o-licious, doesn't drool all over my hardwood floors or chew up things I like or poop. However, he is alive and well in my dreams, which is more than can be said for a few rubber-tree plants I know.